I Heart Corporations
2007-05-16 10:11:18
By:
Gene Bromberg
People are always bad-mouthing big corporations. They pay off politicians so laws are skewed in their favor. The big dogs help themselves to wads of cash while screwing over the rank-and-file. They stifle innovation and creativity because, almost by definition, bureaucracies HATE innovation and creativity.
Still, if you love the English language (as I do) and if you enjoy you humor on the absurd side (as I do) then you can't help by love corporations. Because corporate-speak is a language all to itself, one I never became fluent in during 15 years in that world, but familiar enough to enjoy it's subtle beauty.
Take, for example, the
new rules for the 2007 World Series of Poker, which were recently released. The fact that there are NINETY-THREE of them is in and of itself hilarious. Ninety-three rules...for playing in a
poker tournament?
A few of the changes will no doubt be of interest to those playing in the WSOP. For example, the rules about using certain words have been changed:
Any
poker player who directs any profane and/or abusive language at another player, dealer or tournament staff member or who makes any profane and/or abusive comments about another player, dealer or tournament staff member will be penalized in accordance with Rules No. 22 and/or 46. In particular, the use of the so-called "f-bomb" and "c-bomb" as well as derivatives of those and similarly offensive terms, will subject the offending player to penalties if they are directed at or refer to another player, dealer, staff member, patron or official of Harrah's or the
WSOP. In Harrah's sole and absolute discretion, it may impose at any time a zero-tolerance policy for profane language whether directed at another person or not.
This is, I think, Very Important, because it gives the player some wiggle room vis-a-vis screaming "F*** NO!!!" when their opponent hits a 2-outer on the river. So long as the expletive isn't directed at another person, you won't automatically be penalized. This means that players won't necessarily be punished for expressing the very real and very human emotions that rise up when your Aces are cracked by some (expletive deleted) who called a big post-flop bet with (expletive deleted) K-J and hit a runner-runner straight to cripple you.
Of course, if you sit back down and stare at the guy raking in the pot and say, "You (f-word) (c-word), your (deleted) father was a (deleted) (deleted) and your (deleted) mother (deleted) sailors up against the wall during her (deleted) lunch hour," you will probably incur at least a 10-minute penalty. And, perhaps, some gunfire.
Another rule might cause some problems, as it is open to interpretation:
Repeated etiquette violations such as touching another player's cards or chips, delay of game and excessive chatter will result in penalties.
The italics are mine. What exactly constitutes "excessive chatter"? And why, when seeing those words, to images of Phil Hellmuth and Mike Matusow come to mind? European casinos allow very little or no table-talk--what happens if some especially reserved Swede politiely asks that Matusow be summarily executed on the spot?
Poker players aren't exactly known for being snappy dressers, and Harrah's has taken some steps to address that. Players cannot wear clothing that:
Advertise(s) any habit-forming drug, tobacco product, handgun or handgun ammunition
Ammunition? Well, they do say that it isn't guns that kill people--it's the bullets tearing through the people that kills them.
Your clothing also
May not contain any material that is defamatory, obscene, profane, vulgar, repulsive or offensive, either in theme or in treatment or that describes or depicts repellently any internal bodily functions or symptomatic results of internal conditions, or refers to matters that are not considered socially acceptable topics
I cannot describe how much I love the word "symptomatic" in that paragraph. You just know that there were fifteen people in a conference room going over words and phrases listed on a whiteboard that they don't want people wearing on their T-shirts. And they had to think of a way to describe some particularly ghastly effusion and come up with "symptomatic results of internal conditions". It's a thing of beauty.
Do you have a lucky charm that you bring to the table? Maybe you find inspiration looking at photos of your kids while you play? Well, leave all that crap at home:
There will be no foreign objects on the table except for a maximum of one card cap. Card caps can be no larger than two (2) inches in diameter and no more than one-half (1/2) inch in depth.
You could call this the "Greg Raymer Rule", for the fossils the former Champion famously uses as card caps. Curious to see what his reaction to this will be.
I may keep digging through the rules to find more interesting stuff, but if you're playing in the WSOP this year, it behooves you to read these rules and know them inside and out. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, and you don't want to get in trouble because you didn't know it's illegal to put your cell phone on the table.
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